Turning towards God

I may read big entertaining books and try to believe that I utilize my time and am enjoying myself. I may run away from emptiness and a strange void and do different things to keep myself busy. Things those are meaningful in their own right. I may even read about you, O God, thinking that may be that will bring me to peace. But isn’t my heart at unrest? I am fooling myself if I think that all these will bring me peace. I am fooling myself to believe that the taste of hot coffee will linger around after the coffee is had. I have to take refuge in You. I cannot run away from You. My emptiness is not the reason of abundance of time but running away from sharing my things with You. God, You know everything and You wait. You know that I have hurt You by running away from people who may need me or I could be service to. My conscience hurts and I pick my book or listen to music instead of spending time with You for that would be to face my misery and face You.

But You are the path to joy and in You is all my grace that I receive. You have given me all gifts and yet I disappoint You. I do not invoke You but allow fear to engulf me. My gifts don’t deliver and I do not ask for You and when I fail to ask for You I discredit your powers. You become a loyal duty of a religious soul rather than the 'bank of water' that a deer pants for. You become a bank account that has treasures rather than sunlight that the dawn seeks. God, help me to reach You first and realize once and for all that all my strength, I receive from You. I can fight the world with your help. But if I abandon You, I am abandoning myself. I abandoning all my strength and other graces I can invoke. I abandon my shield. I abandon hope and I take refuge in fear of the unknown. But you have said, “Do not be afraid” I do not remember You but lay low in my fear and do not turn to You when little problems affect me. Help me God, to be greater than all these. I can only find peace in You.

I am a fool if I think money can give me happiness. Can money change day to night and blue to green? Can money make me smile at everything around? Can money change people around me? Can money change me for people? Can money give me more joy from others? Help me to understand that these things belong to the world and I am not of this world but my passions rebel against you and cheat me and my soul into resigning. But You should be my stronghold. You should be my Guard. You are my hope in this world that reasons according to their conveniences, profits, purposes and goals.